I was recently asked in a recovery meeting if I still experienced craving for alcohol after 14 years of sobriety. It’s a harder question than it appears on the surface, because while I don’t experience the gut wrenching physical pangs or the riptide desire for escapism of my early recovery… there is still that calm, seductive voice of my alcoholic thinking that might whisper as a tray of drinks passes. “What could it hurt?” The voice sort of reminds me of the demented computer HAL 9000 in 2001: A Space Odyssey that talks so smoothly even while trying to murder its own crew. Once HAL ‘s actions are discovered, even his excuse and rationalizations seem eerily familiar to what an alcoholic would say.
Look Dave, I can see you’re really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over… I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal.
These days I recognize alcoholic thinking, let’s call the voice an alcoHALism, as the source of these irrational suggestions. For the most part I don’t have much problem avoiding the danger, but unlike Dave Bowman I cannot fully shut down my nemesis. It seems I will be forever faced with that voice in the back of my head that has a primary directive (to drink)- that it intends to carry out even if it kills me in the process.
