Thomas Jefferson, the principal author of the Declaration of Independence was an intellectual, philosopher, and statesman. No doubt smart and forward thinking, but it was his ability to pack so much meaning in so few words that makes Jefferson one of my favorite Founding Fathers. In the quote above, it took me a while to figure out what the venerable TJ meant by “blindfolded fear”. I guess if it had been me pushing the quill we would have ended up with something less urbane and certainly less profound like “scared to look”.
I was reminded of the quote after reading a rather lengthy comment by a TDA reader in a previous thread that because of its potential for discussion deserved front page posting as a full blog titled My absolute fear of sobriety. I wish I would have come up with the title because much like a phrase from TJ- these few words are rife with meaning.
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Addiction is the factual embodiment of such fictional characters as Redjac and Pennywise the Dancing Clown. These are as my favorite sci-fi blog io9 describes them, the creatures who eat your fear for breakfast. As a practicing alcoholic drinking may have kept my beast fed, but it was fear that made it strong. I spent many nights drinking alone piling fear upon fear of what-ifs and pondering my predicament while studiously ignoring the path of my premeditated destruction. Scared of what may be, and too terrified to face what had already started to occur- a catch 22 worthy of a horror flick.
According to her comments, Jessica is now in the same place asking similar questions, harboring the same doubts and fears. Am I an alcoholic? Can I detox alone? Should I quit smoking? What should I quit first? I am too old? Is the damage irreversible? Will people still like me? Will I become violent? Can I make 90 in 90?
The really evil one that will eventually crop up; will I be fretting over these exact same issues a decade from now?
It’s a dangerous place to be, with the numbing effects of alcohol and drugs one can grow inured to the discomfort of this blindfolded fear. All alone, deep in one’s cups, it becomes easy to rationalize inaction and retreat to the safety of inebriation. But it will only get worse.
Most of these fears are classic examples of alcoholic thinking, and yes, they do wilt under scrutiny and logic. There is one however that will never go away and it is why Jessica, me, and for that matter most of the human race becomes comfortable with the blindfold; the fear of what we will find when we open our eyes and look inward. It’s relatively easy to quit drugs and alcohol (people do it every day, unfortunately most start back that night); learning how to live without them is the hard part. If you can’t quit on your own, seek help- there’s plenty out there if you peek around the blindfold. Get rid of the drugs and alcohol first and then worry about tackling the rest of these fears.
It’s a great topic Jessica, one I’m very glad you brought up. Even though I can’t really answer any of your questions, I will give you some advice. Take the drugs, alcohol, and even the cigarettes out of the equation- because in recovery they will not be there. Example: instead of will I be violent without smoking, try concentrating on the real problem- how to manage stressful situations in a productive manner. Tough isn’t it? Developing the skills to overcome these obstacles and fears- that’s recovery and it requires both eyes, wide open. The alcoholic and the addict in all of us wants to keep the drugs front and center sort of blindfolded to the real issues, but in reality/recovery they will no longer be the priority.
