The Letters From Hell series written by guest poster Screedler were the most visited and read posts of the old Drupal powered TDA. Unbeknowst to me, the links to this series were broken in my switch to a WordPress platform so to make up for it I will post the whole series again one new one per day.
Welcome to Letters from Hell – Part 14. Although in totality the letter and memories are pretty bleak, Part 14 nevertheless brings back some positive memories – in particular a change in my overall outlook from absolutely negative to somewhat positive. I think after seven weeks of drying out my brain was returning to a state that at least could be called medically stable. I think it was somewhere around this time that I may have genuinely laughed for the first time in five years. Click here to read all the prior installments of the series.
July 9, 2006
Dear Paul and Nan,
I hope this letter finds you both doing well. Nothing new here. The last couple of days have been okay. It was good seeing everyone on Saturday.
I guess the two biggest things I can talk about are how quite it has gotten since Detroit and his cousin have left the block and the fact that we have no soap. I do – because I order a bar of Lever 2000 every two weeks. – but most in here simply do not have any. Whew. They (the guards) say we went through 6 months worth of soap in 5 weeks. They are not saying when we will get any soap, but I am sure when we do it will be with restrictions. If we don’t get some soon I am sure attempts will be made to steal mine and from the few others that have it.
I have been taking a shower once and sometimes twice a day for the last couple of weeks because of the staph going around. I will probably drop back down to every other day to conserve my soap. Believe it or not if I smell clean people are going to “sweat” me for some soap and I mean constantly. It is getting pretty foul in here.
Click “Read more” to continue the letter…
One positive change in my outlook on life has occurred without me realizing it. It may sound stupid and I think I have mentioned it to you before, but it’s the absolute truth. I no longer wake up in the morning hoping the world is in chaos. For about the last five years, I have woke up in the morning, turned on the news and hoped that I would see that nuclear war had erupted or that there was an asteroid threatening world annihilation. In my mind that would level the playing field. It would bring everyone down to my level – being afraid and being without hope. I wanted everyone to know what it felt like to know such desperation. It’s a very selfish thought. I would have actually taken pleasure in everyone living in dread, awaiting, one great big world suicide. I didn’t care about my family or friends – the better off and happier someone was the more pain I wished they felt. That is a product of an unhealthy mind. I guess that’s why I like doomsday movies so much. That would be a world, however brief it was, that I could be an equal in.
I know now that is not what I really want. You see – in a sense now, that’s the world I am living in – Shelby County Correctional Facility. Here, everyone is equal. Everyone lives in fear, and dread, and hate. No one has it better than another, and if they do, they will get their comeuppance. They will be robbed, or beaten, or threatened. The only hope there is – is getting out of this world and never having to come back. I don’t enjoy it one bit – being surrounded by helplessness and hopelessness. I truly have hope now – I know there is something better than this. I am fortunate, because many here do not. It is up to me. I can promise you this – I will never be coming back here ever again.
I will talk to you soon. Thanks again for everything.
As far as going back I may have spoke to soon. As I continue to straighten out the wreckage of my past I find myself in the position of impending incarceration. This is just a result of what landed me in jail in the first place and not a new charge or anything; but alas I will have to do 5 more days in the small house to satisfy the courts. In the past my solution to this would be to run. Now, I am just ready to get it over with. At least we will have a couple of more Letters from Hell added to the series.
Hope you come back next week as the “original” Letters near the end.