Dreams of Relapse?

by Guest Post on May 13, 2009

Promoted to the front page from the user blogs. I want to thank my friend Jasmine for all her contributions. You can find her previous postings here at Jasmine’s blog.

Photo by RBerteig now at The Discovering Alcoholic under creative commons attribution license

I recently posted a blog here that didn’t get published for some reason, but it doesn’t matter. It was a short one to commemorate 90 days of abstinence.

This, too, will be short(-ish).

I am at a stage where I am no longer scared of alcohol’s effects on me, and while I have no immediate intentions to drink I have begun to fantasize about one day being a light drinker. Oh God.

Click “Read more” to continue…

I guess I don’t like the idea of never ever being able to drink again. I will postpone this fantasy for as long as possible and if ever I do come close to experimenting with alcohol again I will certainly touch base here first. I don’t know why after all this time and all the empircal evidence pointing to my not being someone capable of moderation, I still mentally toy with the possibility of one day being able to share wine or whiskey with a safe and precious friend. Ugh.

Just wanted to get that off my chest. Lucidity can be tiresome sometimes–does anyone agree?

I repeat that I am NOT currently in any kind of danger zone, but I have to be honest about this toying around with the idea of eventual imbibing. I’m even kind of angry/self-pitying about having self-diagnosed myself and given myself this life-time order of total abstinence. Angry that my past ruined my chances to have any reason to think that I can handle it. Ya know, like if I had been more responsable in the past and if I had better understood my personal limits than I could drink like a mature and healthy person today, but because of my out-of-control ways (lazy planning?) I am now condemned to a lifetime of sobriety.

These kinds of thoughts arise usually when, like last night, I am with good people and want to join them…having said that there was one recovering alcoholic in the group. He immediately asked me why I wasn’t drinking and I said something about being on a raw diet (which is true). He responded by saying that he doesn’t drink because he could never handle it and drank too much and now can’t drink at all. I feel like we are these wonderful and yet somehow handicapped people–we can’t drink but others can.

That’s all. Just needed to get that off my mind.

{ 0 comments… add one now }

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: