Thank you author and speaker Lisa Frederiksen of Breaking the Cycles for this regular series sharing her decades long experience of dealing with family alcoholism and alcohol abuse. Click here to see the rest of the series.
“The only reason I got a DUI was because I was talking on my cell phone.”
“I know we agreed I wouldn’t drink, but I’m going to have to drink at this party, otherwise everyone will think something’s wrong.”
These are the kinds of explanations that make perfect sense to an individual engaged in active alcohol abuse or addiction. In the first one, there is no consideration given to the fact that alcohol must have been present in their bloodstream; otherwise there’d have been no DUI. And, in the second one…well…
But it’s this kind of wishful thinking that slowly drives the family members of a person who has a problem with drinking to adapt and mold and convolute their thinking in order to somehow make this kind of logic make sense or worse, to become consumed with the insanity of arguing the inarguable. Someone who “thinks” this way (like those of the people making the opening statements) cannot be reasoned with, nor are they about to change their reasoning skills just because you yell or argue or point out just how stupid they sound. And, the fallout for those who try is that they often start trying to control other lives (e.g., their children’s) or double their efforts to control the drinking (e.g., making sure everything is done to perfection so there is nothing that can be criticized or used as a reason to drink), and in the process, they lose sight of themselves.
Click “Read more” to continue…
As I mentioned in my last post, you cannot change the “thinking” of an alcoholic because their brain circuitry has been compromised by the chemical and structural changes that occur with the disease of addiction. All you can do is change how you think and how you react. Quoting from one of the books of daily readings in AlAnon, “Focusing on ourselves actually allows us to release other people to solve their own problems and frees us to find contentment and even happiness for ourselves.” [From Survival to Recovery, p. 75]
This will also free you to love that person and to respect them for their Herculean attempts to battle (because they really do try every moment of every day to not do what they do) a disease they do not fully understand.
P.S. This is not to say the alcoholic cannot stop drinking. They can. And, successful treatment of the disease requires they do (stop drinking). But he or she has to be the one to do it. You, the person who loves them, can share the facts of what you’ve learned about addiction, share (when you’re certain what they are) your boundaries around their drinking behaviors and then accept that YOU cannot be the one to somehow make them stop. I’d love your thoughts and experiences… sharing them will help all of us better understand this family disease and how people cope / change / break the cycles.]
