Alcoholism and drug addiction are persistent conditions that in most cases start during developmental years. A chronic toxicity of not only the substance abuser, usually family and loved ones are also poisoned by long term exposure to the condition. Not in the sense that it is contagious, although since it runs in families addiction often develops from using drugs and alcohol as coping mechanisms- but by issues of codependency such as stress, fear, guilt and remorse.
Too often all involved in this desperate circle lose perspective, and begin to accept this condition and circumstances as normal. A good day becomes one in which nobody goes to jail or comes home almost comatose, but comes home.
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After years of abuse, it is hard for anyone involved in this situation to imagine a life free of this kind of self-induced misery. In fact, the thought of such freedom can even be scary. The alcoholic cannot imagine a life without drinking even though it has stolen his dignity, the addict refuses to get clean even after losing his freedom, and codependents will stay tied to a disease long after the one they have loved has disappeared.
Breaking out of this cycle is a very hard thing to do. As addicts and alcoholics we may actually have it easier than those that love us. Giving up is easy for us; we’re hard wired for it. For those that love us though it is so much harder… we surrender to a mental disease that frees us from blame- our counterparts gain no succor in surrender, only the guilt and remorse of abandoning one they love. Little comfort is the fact that in most cases those suffering from addictions will not seek help or find recovery as long as there are those that will support their disease.
I ponder these things today because I didn’t know what to say to a friend who has crossed over to the recovery side. Do you say congratulations to woman who has left her junky husband or do you offer condolences and express your sorrow? I guess to be truthful, both are in order and in this post I hope The Junky’s Wife understands I tried to accomplish just that. To my friend, I wish the best of luck to both you and your husband and as much as I hate to admit it, I hope you stay apart for a good while. This may or may not be the thing that saves him, but through your actions you have proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that staying is not the right answer. We are hardened over the years by this disease and develop an acceptance of things that should not be, just as it will take time and practice to learn how to accept what should.
Welcome to the other side. Life is no easier here, but the rewards are infinitely greater.
