This site has been an integral part of my recovery process. I discovered it eight days ago during my last night of drunkenness. A solo bender. A bottoming out. A month of straight almost nightly drinking–something I somehow thought I deserved (the escape) and spruced up with pseudo-spiritual intentions, candles burning and constant painting and collage-making. But really I was feeding a disease I had known I had for a long time. I knew it and had every reason to know it, but I rationalized that I began drinking late and didn’t drink daily and didn’t ever really crave it. But when I drank it was to get drunk and I never knew how to limit myself like other people. I have even wound up in the hospital for alcohol-related injuries but still thought I had the right to drink, like everyone else.

The past eight days have been easier to get through than I would have imagined. I have a lot on my side–an understanding of naturopathic healing and a love of healthy cooking for instance. I also have more free time than usual.

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I discovered some things that I didn’t know might happen during recovery. Extreme fatigue during the first few days is one of them. On day three I ate supper and decided to lay down with a book before going out to the two parties I had been invited to. Instead at around eight pm I fell asleep and did not wake up until around five. I don’t think I have gone to sleep so early since childhood.

I have also discovered that I had something of a reputation: it seems like every time I turn around people are offering me booze. I am something of a loner and I have even noticed friends trying to lure me out of my shell with allusions to a drink ahead. This has made me feel sad.

I have also learned that I can dance the night away sober, and the joy and relief of sobriety around three am when people become really drunk around me, start spilling their drinks and acting foolish, and no longer being one of them.

There are still many demons on my path that I have yet to confront but I am trying to look them in the eyes instead of putting on the stout beer or wine or whiskey blindfolds. I am a strong person but I am still terrified by so many things, including the carnage of my own past actions and whether or not I am brave enough to go on, day after day.

I am not yet free of my addictions but I have taken alcohol out of my equation and am building slowly the strength required to do the damage-repair work ahead. I don’t yet know how I will deal with explaining my sobriety to others and have already found myself telling little white lies about why I am drinking tea and juice and steadfastly refusing the many rather aggressive offers of a stiff drink. I don’t want the stigma or the judgment. I have met AA members before and as open-minded as I am, I found myself wondering what horrible things they must have done to inspire them to stop drinking altogether. I admired them but I did have thoughts of them being a bit “weak”, because they couldn’t control themselves like some people can.

That’s it for now. Keep up the good work everyone. Thanks for sharing your stories and thanks for being so supportive to me in mine.