Hello and thank-you.

I have been reading your site for the past three hours. It is 23h26 in the major metropolitan city I live in. I am totally inspired and encouraged as I drink my beer and smoke the last of my hash. I am planning on going out soon to buy one more beer before its too late despite the fact I already have more in the fridge, but maybe not enough, and I am trying to avoid realizing I want more at a time when it is too late. This is where I am right now. For a while throughout my now one month bender I have been telling myself that I will stop tomorrow and then don’t, of course.

I am kinda the “functioning” type. That is, I just finished three years at one of Europe’s oldest and finest universities with high honors AND in a foreign language and have one more paper to write before receiving the honor of a diploma in its name. Because of these studies and of the professional and/or menial labor I am obliged to perform in order to stay sheltered, fed and wasted, I have been able to keep my addiction under control more or less. This one month bender was born out of my thinking that I have some free time (after a six week intensive theater job ended)…the first few days it felt good to just sit around and get high, dancing and painting and unwinding. But it has been a month now and I’m scared.
I drink alone. Mostly.

Click “Read more” to continue…

I guess drinking alone makes me “kinda functional” because people don’t know that I have a problem, that is unless we party real hard together…

Anyhow for whatever reason I never felt like I had a problem that warranted action until recently, and I was so relieved to read your site and find some a)good writing, and b)helpful insight.

I hope to have the courage tomorrow to go to an AA meeting. for the first time. One term on your site had an oprah aha moment on my inebriated self: “90 in 90″. I had never seen this phrase before but it had an effect. I can do that. I guess I still harbor doubts that I am indeed an alcoholic and have this insane belief that I can detox alone. Maybe I can. On this topic I have an important question for you: how long after stopping drugs and alcohol should I stop smoking tobacco??? I really want to quit tobacco. Hash is going to be the easiest to quit for the good and simple reason that I cannot bring myself to going through the trouble and the sleaze of going into the streets to buy it and I just smoked my last joint…(my friends don’t smoke and I have few friends that I would even feel comfortable broaching the topic).

As a former athlete I know I have will power. But it is fear that is crippling me at this moment. Fear that, at 34, its too late. Perhaps I have already done irreversible physical damage. Maybe I am being unrealistic about the level of my addiction and the chances of detoxing alone…will I rip all the skin off my face? Do I have to move to change the scenery? What on EARTH will I do with all the new energy and time that sobriety will provide? I am terrified. I have an active imagination and a sharp tongue and am afraid that I will be very mean and brutally honest with people during withdrawal. I’m afraid I will become violent. I am a non-violent person right now but I wonder that if I stop self-medicating I will not be able to cope with reality and serve society their collective head on a platter after day one. I’m serious. I once tried to stop smoking. Day one I quit my job, mid-shift, flipping my boss off on the way out the door. Day 2 I provoked an argument with the awesome guy I was dating that resulted in our breaking up. Day 3 I was walking down the street and really thought I was going to kill someone. So I bought a pack “for the good of the one-state” Ias told myself sardonically.

Anyhow. Advice?

Thanks again for your writing and your wisdom…I can hardly believe I am writing this letter. Keep up the good work and wish me strength (and a padded room) for my hopeful sobriety.

(anonymous)