Recovery is the number one priority in my life, nothing is more important. It may sound selfish, but without my mental health and sobriety I will at best just lose those I love and that which I treasure… and at worst I will destroy these things.
It’s a lesson that every alcoholic and addict new to sobriety has to learn. Unfortunately it is also a very difficult concept to convey and often the “suddenly sober” awareness of kids, finances, and relationships is overwhelming and eclipses the recovery process.
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I wanted to post on this subject because of a recent discussion with an addict that has been hard for me to shake. I will not go into the details for the sake of anonymity, but the issue involved her children. This was neither a new topic nor an unique discussion for me, it comes right of the alcoholic's playbook.(1). Parent loses kids because of addiction and dysfunctional environment. (2). Parent enters treatment. (3). After just a few weeks of sobriety, parent wants to say all is well- give me kids back. (4) Quest for kids becomes more important than recovery. It’s a sobriety based symptom of addiction to rationalize other issues as more important than recovery, and it is usually the precursor of an eventual relapse. I call it alcoholic or addictive thinking.
The reason this had stuck in my head is even though I know I shouldn't, I still feel guilty when advising someone to take care of them self first. It's a simple formula to understand: A parent that is a slave to addiction will always take care of their habit before they take care of their kids. The kids are in a safe environment in this case, so concentrate on recovery first and the kids second, by doing so the recovering addict is increasing the odds of creating a stable and nurturing home for the children's eventual return and the development of life skills to ensure it stays that way.
It may be brutally honest and sounds even more horrible, but this advice is solid… and rarely taken.
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TDA:
The bleeding hearts disagree. We (whom are in recovery) know the truth. Education won't help. This is a social and legal issue.
Some of the most heartbreaking stories heard have been regarding getting into recovery, regaining children, relapse, loss of children. Without a stable parent, it's a loop.
I contend that life skills consist of more than being capable of filling out paperwork for government assistance. Why is it that a large cross section of the recovering population believes it their God given right to be supported?
That's a very sore topic with me....
I feel remorseful for giving honest and solid advice. It's good advice, but it doesn't feel right. Not a good arena for "bleeding hearts" who will eschew reality and history just to "feel good" about a decision.
I would disagree a little on saying there is a large cross section of the recovering population that feels it is owed support, but I would agree if you amended this to active addicts, alcoholics, and those very new to recovery. I do not think people with this attitude can be successful in long term recovery.
And those still in the grip of the disease, well, they will suck what ever source of sustenance available dry in order to feed the addiction regardless if it is family, faith, or government based.
TDA,
You're right in that observation. >90% of the successful people have some sort of work.
Strange, but the number of people who go through the entire program (detox, inpatient, outpatient, supportive living) of about two years (on the government's nickel) go out and relapse just about the time they should be ready to integrate back into society.
I've never thought of it like that. Mom and Dad instilled a good work ethic.
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