I will be posting some of the e-mail from the mailbag occasionally that I feel can be useful to others. Taking notice of the new button in the right column, I invite you to push it if you would like to share a story, seek an experienced viewpoint or just plain rant… please, go ahead and ask the alcoholic.
Dear TDA-
I have been the girlfriend of an alcoholic/addict for almost 7 years now, and I am struggling with the believability of his latest ("Latest" I say. Already that doesn't bode well, does it?) Foray into sobriety.
What did it take for you to convince your people that you had really and finally turned over a new leaf? Thank you in advance for any insight you can give me. Also, thanks for this website; you give me hope that people CAN overcome this nightmare.
Name Withheld
Click “Read more” for the reply…
Dear ****,
From your request it is obvious that you have found out the hard way why they call alcoholism the liar's disease and that even the most earnest attempt at sobriety can be a tenuous endeavor at best. So with this in mind I will give you the tough to accept but truthful answer: The only thing from my own experience that convinced others that I had turned over a new leaf was a couple of YEARS of recovery.
Let's face it; it will take more than just a few months of good behavior to fade the memory of seven years of deception and disappointment. This unfortunate situation commonly causes relationship problems because those new to sobriety and recovery are so caught up in their own era of good feeling that they fail to understand the time needed for others to heal. Even in sobriety, an alcoholic new to recovery retains the alcoholic tendency to expect instant gratification and when others continue to display distrust, it almost always causes resentment.
My suggestion as always to look at the information provided by Al-Anon and if you are into things like this, attend a meeting. If you don't like meetings, at least get a book on the subject so that you can pull from the experience of countless others. I am very big on Al-Anon's methods of setting boundaries and practicing caring detachment.
The last bit of advice I feel obligated to give is to take care of yourself first. If you truly love an alcoholic then do not let them destroy the relationship irreparably, even if it means temporary or permanent separation. The despair of lost relationships makes sobriety more difficult and the hope of future reconciliation or just plain forgiveness is a balm in
recovery.
I hope this helped, take care my friend.
TDA
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I especially like your point that it takes years to feel confident about the progress of recovery. I kind of think about it like weight loss. It takes months or years to gain the weight, so it will take about the same amount of time to take it off through healthy eating and exercise. And with recovery (like weight loss) fad diets don't work. ;)
that is a very good analogy.
Most alcoholics have burnt all there bridges by the time they decide to to something about there drinking or drugging. He has a great women on his hands and doesn't realize it. Now is the time for him to be a sober person, time for talk is all over. It may take you months or you may never believe him again and always have doubt. The only advice I really can give you, if he drinks again, go and be done, do not sacrifice your life for him, you will only resent him anyway and it maybe the best for him also, as now, he always has you ,to go back to and you are always there for him. Its a hard decision to make, but it is probably best for you.
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