Bad Days

by Guest Post on August 10, 2007

Contributed by our friend Erin over at:

I feel like some of the skills that I acquired when entering into recovery are kind of slipping away. Most importantly is my ability to stay in the day. I find myself slipping into my old habits of dreading the future.

I’m wondering if that is because I’m not doing my best each and every day…I’m leaving stuff looming over my head. I need to get back to my belief that if I make the most of today, do everything that should be done today, I won’t have anything hanging over me tomorrow.

Another thing I’m noticing is a feeling of loneliness. This isn’t the kind of lonely that you feel because no one is around you. I have a house full of people around me all the time. It’s not for lack of people that understand what it is to be in recovery because I have fellow addicts on-line that I can identify with.

I think this is more a feeling of not being connected to my higher power right now. When did that happen? Why did that happen? I don’t know. I’m finding it impossible right now to connect on any level with a higher power. I’m hoping by me realizing that this may be the cause of my lonely feeling that I’m able to do something about it.

Maybe feelings of spirituality come and go in a persons life…I’m not really sure. That is what seems to be happening in mine. Since spirituality is such an abstract thing it’s not like I can just say “ok, I’m going to do this or that to become spiritual again”. It just doesn’t work that way.

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I do feel grateful that I even notice these feelings going on inside myself. When I was actively using I would identify any one of these things as just “bad” and then use some sort of substance to try and make everything go away. Of course, it wouldn’t go away, it would be put on hold just to return ten times worse once I wasn’t high anymore.

At least now I can identify my feelings and maybe try and find out what is making me feel this way. I know, a feeling is just a feeling. You can feel bad and that doesn’t mean that everything really is bad. But that is a lot easier to say than to actually believe. Especially when you are feeling crappy.

No one said that this was going to be easy. There is a huge failure rate with addiction because it takes constant work and a lot of times it is a struggle. I guess it’s normal to every once in a while feel a little overwhelmed.

I guess what I’ll try to do is just really stay in the moment today. If I do that I will see that things are really as bad as what I’m leading myself to believe. At least I’m not a strung out, disconnected, lying, stealing, manipulating junky who doesn’t always have the best hygiene habits (sad but true).

I can stay clean and feel down and that just makes me a good person having a bad day.

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