What Happened Before the Balloon Popped?

“My balloon had been popped and what was left was not pretty. I started to feel overwhelming dread at the thought of going through the rest of my life without being able to get high at least one more time. I felt like all of the positive thinking I had done in my very early recovery wasn’t a reflection of my true feelings toward sobriety. I felt like I was lying to myself when I say that I’m grateful for a clean and sober life.~ Relapse: The Warning Signs Were There”

Etymologically meaning “who falls again”, it is often said that a relapse is not so much an event as it is a process. A process is defined as a series of actions, changes, or functions bringing about a result. In the case of those of us with addictions, the end result of negative thinking can be catastrophic.

Read more below the fold…

Fortunately for our friend Erin over at WhatWinnersDo.com, it seems her relapse was not so much catastrophic as it may have been instructional. Erin has been brave enough to look back and try to identify to herself and explain to others what she thinks were the warning signs and the progression of her eventual relapse. She goes back almost ten days and a story she wrote at the time called Out of the Pink and Into the Gray which explained a sort of disillusionment with recovery and how her initial well being had slowly lost its fizz.

Later, she blogged about getting back to a NA meeting and reaffirming her commitment to a strong recovery; I wish she had made the meeting. Instead, it seems this was the last gasp of her recovery thinking and the turning point to where she began thinking like an addict.

If her experience was anything like mine during my first years of recovery, this is when addiction truly becomes a mental disease. Because suddenly gone are the memories of torment and the desperation of my battle with alcoholism; replaced by a hope that one more drink would finally bring about the happiness that I knew I so richly deserved. I say a mental disease because for many, many years I had experienced nothing but grief and pain from my use of alcohol, so I had to have been crazy to think that this next pint of vodka would be any different. That this would be the one time that drinking didn’t let me down and that it would be a magic elixir for instant happiness.

I think we all have times when we think there should be more to life, just as Erin says, maybe it at these times we should reach out to others that can reassure us that ours lives are so much better than they were before when we were drinking and drugging… and how much better we can continue to make them for ourselves and our loved ones. Events are things that once occurred, they cannot be changed. The good thing about relapse is that it is a process, and by looking back at our past mistakes as Erin has done, maybe in the future we can halt the progression of negative thinking in this process by heeding the warning signs and seeking the help of our peers. A process can be stopped before its final stage, before any permanent harm is done.

Erin detailed out some of the warning signs of relapse she identified that include:

Isolation- she isolated herself from those that would have helped.

Stagnation- she felt as if she had hit a plateau and that climbing higher in her recovery was unattainable.

Here are a few of my own that I have identified:

Anxiety and Depression- often caused by subconsciously knowing I was paving the way to a relapse.

Breaking Routines and Appointments – not going to work, to drill, or attending family functions just because…

Feeling Sick- not really being sick, just always feeling weak and less than healthy.

Poor Hygiene- not always taking the time to shave, shower, or look presentable.

I am sure there are so many more that we could identify, feel free to post your own additions to the list. If we can identify all the hot air that goes into that balloon of discontent, it will be that much easier to keep it from blowing up in our face.

A relapse can happen to anyone, I asked Erin if I could write about this particular blog because the concept of relapse still sends a cold chill down my spine. Part of my recovery involves me facing my fears, and relapse can be counted for me not just as simple fear, but more as a nightmare. The more we talk about subjects like this, the more I share with others, the better I am able to deal with these issues in my own life.

Thanks for sharing Erin, because that is What Winners Do!

(Balloon pic found at link)