Promoted to the front page not from the user blogs but actually the comments section because this has way too many good topics not to serve as a full blog post. I felt a short reply would be inadequate so I will respond tomorrow evening with a blog of my own. Thanks (anonymous)! (The blindfold pic is representative of a Thomas Jefferson quote I thought appropriate for the post, care to guess?)
Hello and thank-you.
I have been reading your site for the past three hours. It is 23h26 in the major metropolitan city I live in. I am totally inspired and encouraged as I drink my beer and smoke the last of my hash. I am planning on going out soon to buy one more beer before its too late despite the fact I already have more in the fridge, but maybe not enough, and I am trying to avoid realizing I want more at a time when it is too late. This is where I am right now. For a while throughout my now one month bender I have been telling myself that I will stop tomorrow and then don’t, of course.
I am kinda the “functioning” type. That is, I just finished three years at one of Europe’s oldest and finest universities with high honors AND in a foreign language and have one more paper to write before receiving the honor of a diploma in its name. Because of these studies and of the professional and/or menial labor I am obliged to perform in order to stay sheltered, fed and wasted, I have been able to keep my addiction under control more or less. This one month bender was born out of my thinking that I have some free time (after a six week intensive theater job ended)…the first few days it felt good to just sit around and get high, dancing and painting and unwinding. But it has been a month now and I’m scared.
I drink alone. Mostly.
Click “Read more” to continue…
I guess drinking alone makes me “kinda functional” because people don’t know that I have a problem, that is unless we party real hard together…
Anyhow for whatever reason I never felt like I had a problem that warranted action until recently, and I was so relieved to read your site and find some a)good writing, and b)helpful insight.
I hope to have the courage tomorrow to go to an AA meeting. for the first time. One term on your site had an oprah aha moment on my inebriated self: “90 in 90″. I had never seen this phrase before but it had an effect. I can do that. I guess I still harbor doubts that I am indeed an alcoholic and have this insane belief that I can detox alone. Maybe I can. On this topic I have an important question for you: how long after stopping drugs and alcohol should I stop smoking tobacco??? I really want to quit tobacco. Hash is going to be the easiest to quit for the good and simple reason that I cannot bring myself to going through the trouble and the sleaze of going into the streets to buy it and I just smoked my last joint…(my friends don’t smoke and I have few friends that I would even feel comfortable broaching the topic).
As a former athlete I know I have will power. But it is fear that is crippling me at this moment. Fear that, at 34, its too late. Perhaps I have already done irreversible physical damage. Maybe I am being unrealistic about the level of my addiction and the chances of detoxing alone…will I rip all the skin off my face? Do I have to move to change the scenery? What on EARTH will I do with all the new energy and time that sobriety will provide? I am terrified. I have an active imagination and a sharp tongue and am afraid that I will be very mean and brutally honest with people during withdrawal. I’m afraid I will become violent. I am a non-violent person right now but I wonder that if I stop self-medicating I will not be able to cope with reality and serve society their collective head on a platter after day one. I’m serious. I once tried to stop smoking. Day one I quit my job, mid-shift, flipping my boss off on the way out the door. Day 2 I provoked an argument with the awesome guy I was dating that resulted in our breaking up. Day 3 I was walking down the street and really thought I was going to kill someone. So I bought a pack “for the good of the one-state” Ias told myself sardonically.
Anyhow. Advice?
Thanks again for your writing and your wisdom…I can hardly believe I am writing this letter. Keep up the good work and wish me strength (and a padded room) for my hopeful sobriety.
(anonymous)
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
You are not alone. Others have gone through this and have recovered.
The woman who helped me get sober told me (in response to “What am I going to do with the time”: Don’t worry, you’ll find lots of things to do.
She was too right. Now finding time for me can be a struggle.
Off to a meeting!!
Hi Jasmine,
It takes a bigger and better person to admit they have a problem. I do not recommend that you detox alone. If you are the person you say you are when sobering up, you sound very tense. Detoxing is very hard on the body. It stresses all your organs, especially your heart! I never got sober on my own. I had to go to a detox unit at a hospital or rehab. I was a real mess when trying to sober on my own, so I’d pour another drink to fix it and there I’d be, drunk again.
I was in at least five detox units in my course of sobriety. Each time I spent at least four days. They give you medication to bring you down slowly. This is the only time in my life that I had high blood pressure and I mean high. To this day when I see a doctor they are amazed at how good my blood pressure is. I was a very lucky individual, considering I drank for nearly 26 years of my life every day. I had no liver scarring, but I know I burned up a few billion brain cells.
It is still the best decision I ever made. It was one morning when I looked in the mirror and said I didn’t like myself. I tried many times before for other reasons like get my wife back, make the girlfriend happy or get my business in order again, but that didn’t work.
I wish you the best of luck! I know you can do it! I’m praying and rooting for you and so will the people in AA.