I need to bend your brains today, upload some things off my mind onto here, so I can come back in the future for insight. I have been thinking a lot about why and how I became an alcoholic. So I’ll let you peek in my unbuttoned brain.
Was it an inevitable and inescapable fate. Was I dealt bad cards? Did I deserve to be punished for past deeds, maybe even in past lives, they say karma can be a bitch if you believe in such things. Was I just stupid, made some bad decisions, too emotional to deal with life, or just plain did not give a rip. It’s just all so complex. There are just too many reasons to ponder, was it one or or all of them combined that pushed me into the trajectory of self destruction.
I don’t think I will ever know. I do know that now, the only way I can make it through each day is to be thankful for my lot in life. It could have been so much worse. I have too look proactively for what the universe is saying to me on a minute by minute basis. Oh, you could call it a higher power and some do. I think we are all part of that HP. It shows me good and bad things, and reminds me that’s just the way it is. It’s my job to figure out how I can maximize the good and minimize the bad in my life and just as importantly in other’s lives.
Here’s what helps me get by, it’s hard and easy to do at the same time, but it works every damn time. Like they say, it works if you work it. Help someone else selflessly and anonymously if you can. It doesn’t have to be a big thing. No one should know about it except you and your HP. If almost everyone is right, you can’t keep secrets or deeds from your HP anyway. It’s ok to talk to him and remind him of what you did and even better to ask him what is the best course of action. He/She/It will tell you even if your HP is well…just you. If you do this, I promise you will magically feel better; at least I do. I think most of us know what is right and wrong; sure there are some unfortunates out there who were built with brains that just don’t work like the HP intended to be as normal, but even these individuals have a purpose in the universe; call them testers if you will. Wildcards. “How are you gonna deal with this problem denizens of the multiverse – let’s see if you will ask for my help even if you are just asking yourself”.
I have to remind myself I am both large and small, and that everything I do is both large and small in the grand scheme of things. The universe is scalable and you can effect it in small ways that become large, and make huge changes that have unknown lesser consequences, that in turn propel larger ones. So yes, stepping on that ant on the sidewalk could bring about the end of the universe as we know it, change all of space time, or do nothing. There are some physicist who believe that every possible combination of particles and therefore events are happening all the time at the same time ad infinitum. So there’s a you that didn’t step on that ant and one that did in another universe. If I take that further I can convince myself that there is a me in another universe that never had a drinking problem. One that has a beautiful wife and kids, an awesome job and is happy most of the time. But then there is that one in a mental institution. Then there is the one that killed himself long ago. But, then there is this me, in this universe. I don’t have it that bad or that good. I need to try make the best of it. If you think about it, it could drive you nuts, but that’s part of the game. The game of life. My HP directed me to write this post, he said some would like it and some would not. I bet he was right. He always is.