Promoted to the front page from the user blogs. I want to thank my friend Jasmine for all her contributions. You can find her previous postings here at Jasmine’s blog. This is an extremely good blog topic dealing with being the only coffee cup in a crowd, something that we all have deal with regardless of our length in recovery because it involves social interaction outside the recovery related environment.
Today makes five weeks without a drink. I continue to feel better and better with low points of feeling out of my head. This has more to do with dealing with life on its own terms than with withdrawals or cravings.
I still don’t have exact plans for explaining my choice to others but for the moment I simply cite the need to determine if my blues are neurobiologically connected to alcohol (who can argue with an attempt to be happier?) Sunday night I spoke at length with a friend who said: well if you haven’t had a drink in over a month and you’re still unhappy than it obviously wasn’t the alcohol, which is good, since now you can drink again!” He was trying to be funny but he also would prefer if I drank with him.
On the phone with my mother the other day I mentioned recently receiving one of the two degrees I am working on and she was naturally very happy for me, but I cringed when she added: this calls for some Celebration, some Champagne!”
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On the other hand I had lunch with an African friend the other day and he was pleased for me. I have noticed that a lot of Africans do not drink, smoke or do drugs and many of them don’t even drink coffee. The reasons seem to be more cultural than religious. This particular friend thinks that the most important thing is not being dependant on anything. I like this attitude–ie I should quit smoking not just for health or possible neurobiological factors but in order to be FREE.
(I think we come from a culture wherein our first experiences with alcohol, drugs and tobacco are shrouded with the illusions that these things equate with being emancipated from our parents. Even coffee drinking made me feel “sophisticated” and “adult”. I drink mine organic and fair trade (other people’s freedom in mind) and try to watch my intake, yet I doubt I will ever give it up. However it is true that I am dependant and always make sure I have some in the house.)
Last week-end I attended an all-day conference with ten colleauges in a public school. After we had arranged our chairs in a circle one of the men present said: Hi, my name is Fabrice and I’m an alcoholic”. This was a joke and procured laughter. The funny thing was, just prior to the start of the day I had had a coffee with one of the women present and we quickly caught up on our lives. Because my life has been so inert and bluesy I mentioned my choice to stop drinking (her mother was an alcoholic, a fact she had shared with me in confidence a year ago) as a way I think of explaining that I was at least trying to be proactive about my recent depression. So half an hour later when Fabrice made this joke she and I turned to each other and laughed, but for different reasons than the rest of the group.
The insult of the already injurious state of depression (not my favorite word, too vague, but it will do) is that there is so much shame around it as well as feeling like a freak of nature (I speak only for myself). For reasons too numerous to list here I have been feeling extremely isolated and marginalized lately and the idea of never drinking again is scary because it could marginalize me further. Drinking friends (and let’s face it, there are plenty of drinkers who also happen to be very cool and good and intelligent people) will eventually stop calling or I will be seen as a party pooper. I am sure there will be plenty of occasions to learn how to deal with it. For instance I have a cousin whose bachelorette party is in a brewery…hmmmmph.
For now I will just continue not drinking and dealing with explaining why and try to focus on my self-esteem which has mysteriously disappeared (how or when is unclear).
Five weeks. Pretty cool. Those first ten days were the hardest, a good investment and I am collecting the interest off it now, week by week. Thank-you to all who offered faith and encouragement during those trying first weeks. I do feel better but I still have a long way to go.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
I like your friend’s take on freedom from substances- a good point both from a physical and emotional sense. And no doubt you are right that many people (including me) start using coffee, tobacco, and alcohol because it makes them feel “fill-in-the-blank”- but an American Idol audition chock full of people who feel like singers is a good example how self perception often strays from reality- and the gap increases exponentially with the use of intoxicants.
And no doubt many intelligent and worthy-of-knowing people imbibe, but those that would exclude the company of others purely on the basis of a non-drinker status really don’t qualify under both of these descriptions anyway.
Hi Jasmine. How wonderful you have lived these past five weeks without drinking. Congrats for doing this difficult and rewarding life’s work.
It may not be such a bad thing that your self-esteem has disappeared! Recovery is an opportunity to rebuild your self from the ground up. Recovery folks go from having blinders on to our addictions and the way we cause unnecessary suffering for ourselves and others (ignorance), to having clarity that enables us to live a full and inclusive life without feeding our addictions (wisdom). “Self-esteem” can be about me, myself, and I. That keeps me going back to using, because if all I am doing is focusing on making sure I get what I want, don’t get what I don’t want, and always struggling to make everything turn out the way i want it, I will suffer, and I am afraid. And I will drink and drug, and all the other things I do to temporarily ease the pain. And I will keep doing it, over and over.
How did your self-esteem serve you when you were drinking?
First, awesome job on five weeks! I love the pic and the post and I hope you don’t mind if I refer back to it on my blog. How many times I have felt like that cup in the pic…at first it was hard, but it definitely became easier over time. The more we practice it, the better we get.
thanks Joe!
Zentient–
I don’t really know how to answer your question because “when” I was drinking seems too vague/obscure for me because I was an off-and-on drinker, which is part of why it took me so long to realize/admit that this was part of my problem. I have tried many times to pinpoint when alcohol became a problem and also when my self-esteem began to disappear. I usually come up with neither this nor that and don’t really know. In any case I don’t think I looked to alcohol for self-esteem but rather to distract myself from its lack. Self-esteem, substance abuse and/or depression are slippery slopes and although I can sometimes locate where they come from or when they came or left I often am left not knowing if it was this or that. All I know is that there was a time when none of these things were problems and that I am willing to do the work to get back to a place of confidence and peace.
I’m not sure if that ansers your question. I guess my (remaining) self-esteem (and self-love) served me because it was not in accordance with or in approval of my drinking habits. Pride and shame pushed me to stop because I didn’t like or recognize myself in the clothes of my self-destruction. Self-esteem made me realize that I was too good for that and deserved a better life
I commend you an your fabulous achievement to date — keep trying!
I came here from Joe’s blog. I am an adult child of an alcoholic…. and a sister of two brothers who were (are) alcoholics.
All I can tell you is you need NO excuse to tell anyone. Even your own mom. You have decided to not drink, and that is that. This is your power… your right… this is you…. and that’s okay.
Those that are your friends should respect this, and, in time, they will. It’s not easy… it won’t be easy. But, as I suffer from depression, and terrible self esteem…. I know this…I am realizing it more and more the older I get.
You are amazing… just as you are. Keep on, keeping on!