Columnist Samantha Brett of the Sydney Morning Herald asks for advice this week about dating someone with an addiction. With over two hundred and counting replies and comments obviously this is a topic of great interest with many speaking up about personal experiences. The responses range from logical to the ludicrous although it’s not their veracity I challenge, but instead the question itself.
As almost anyone can tell you that has watched their spouse or child fall prey to an addiction, once hooked, their loved one ceased to exist. So asking advice about dating someone with an addiction is about the equivalent of practicing pick up lines for mermaids- neither really exists. A better way to address this issue would be to ask, “are you prepared to date an addiction?”
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Regardless of the drug of choice; an addict will place total priority on feeding their disease. Everything in life is just a means to an end of satisfying this need and they will just as eagerly walk over the back of a close relationship to reach their target as they will that of a stranger. The people in these lopsided relationships with an addiction that care the most, usually hang around in relationships the longest, and tragically end up being abused the worst. Those already married or that have family suffering from an addiction have few options left, but my advice for those considering staying with or starting to date an addiction I have one word of advice.
Don’t.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
that will become almost combative because I am not drinking. Obviously they have issues.
This is apropos. A fair fraction of my free time is spent dating. NORMAL people have a drink with dinner. People with an allergy have more. The problem is that when you’re dating, best behavior is a must. How do you discern whether someone has a problem?
I’m forced to rely on small cues. My observation is that people who have a problem seem to be obsessed with a drink. It comes out in body language and small conversational cues. They also seem to be unduly critical or judgmental regarding my decision not to drink..
I’ve been doing the internet dating thing. It makes the pool both wider and deeper.
Dating anyone from a 12 step program is like playing with a loaded pistol. That goes for both sexes.
I wouldn’t dare take a chance with my sobriety. It is the most treasured thing that I have.
hi, stumbled upon your blog. Good honest read. am interestd in your take on how alcohol has affected relationships. Question: have you ever truly loved someone so much and like no other yet lost them thru drinking. I have and still wake up with the same pain /heartache each day. Thanks for writing this blog
but thankfully not permamently regaining them through recovery after much heartache and distress. That’s the rub though- we lose those we care about completely to addiction- it is as if they no longer exist- only recovery or death remains, there is no middle ground.
just plain and simple selfishness. I know what it looks like from the outside staring in, but trust me, those trapped by alcoholism are anything but narcissistic.
I will post a more thorough response (my disagreement) to your comments in a blog either tonight or tomorrow if I run out of time before this evening’s update.
ok, i’m going to get bashed for this, but it needs to be said.
with all my 50 years of life on this earth, my experiences with alcoholics, family, friends, and coworkers, they all share one trait, and that’s being narcissistic. their focus is always on their needs, whether they’re drunk or not, whether they haven’t had a drink in years or are nursing a hangover. plain and simple. they don’t care about anyone else, ever. if they do something for someone, it’s only if they benefit from it themselves ( like sponsors). even as they race to the meetings, they are thinking of themselves, and only themselves. they’re self righteous, judgmental, controlling, angry and basically just plain unbearable to be around. they begin to show signs of dementia a lot sooner then most. alcohol is a poison that they made the choice to overindulge in. i don’t believe for a minute that alcoholism is a disease. NO WAY! that’s just a poor excuse for being narcissistic. if they would just for one moment, give of themselves to others, not other alcoholics, but others, like family members and friends who have always been there for them they wouldn’t need to drink. but by being an alcoholic, everyone in their lives is constantly focusing on them and their NEEDS. alcoholics have let many wonderful, caring, loving people slip right through their shaky hands.
If addicts were simply narcissistic, they would not poison and destroy the body and mind they are so much in love with.
Yes, in the same boat. Held on to hope for so long but need to go on. My gut says do this but everyday it hurts. I am determined to get through the hurt and out the other side. This has taken so much of my life.
Whenever an alcoholic or addict justifies their continued use by saying “I am just hurting myself” I think of those just like you. The collateral damage for addcition is immense but goes mostly unnoticed by those not in the blast zone.